Couples dealing with the loss of a child

I get asked, time and time again by people working through the loss of a child about differences in the way men and women grieve.  Now, let's first acknowledge that there are no absolutes.  Some fathers will be much more open and apparent in their display of grief, while some mothers will be more reserved and show less emotion.  First and foremost it is important to say that no matter what way a person grieves, the grief is real, painful and at times overwhelming.  Just because someone doesn't cry, or you dont see them cry, doesn't mean that they aren't in extreme amounts of pain.

Loss, whether it be a child or anyone else of importance in life, takes  huge emotional toll.  It can change lives, cause lasting depression and shift relationships.  The loss of a child can be particularly difficult on couples.  There are several reasons for this.  One, partners often differ in how they grieve.  Men typically feel the need to "be strong" for their partners, thus not showing the emotion that they are feeling.  In turn, women may feel that they didn't care as much about the child, or the loss, as they do.  I see and hear this dynamic often.  For some couples this can create a wave of resentment.  The resentment can lead to communication issues, arguments and sometimes even divorce.  It is important for couples working through loss to communicate with each other about their feelings.  It is even more important for couples to stay away from assuming how the other person feels, or what a lack of emotion or an abudance of emotion means.  It is also important for each partner to stop and acknowledge that their partner is hurting too, but may not be showing it in the same way.

I often see and hear couples say things like "well he never cries or talks about the baby so I assume that he just forgot or no longer cares".  This is often the furthest thing from the truth, but like I always say emotion ALWAYS dominates logic, every single time.  Or "I feel like she never stops crying and I don't understand why she blames herself, even the doctor said she couldn't have done anything to prevent our loss".  Many women blame themselves for the loss of their child.  Even women who KNOW that the loss isn't their fault.  Its a natural part of the process of grief.  We like to have our "why" questions answered, even if it means blaming ourselves.

The loss of a child, or any grief, is often complicated and painful.  If you and your partner feel like you have gotten off track or are heading down a bad road due to loss, counseling can help.  Seek out a qualified counselor who treats couples and treats grief.  The sooner the better to help you both understand how to cope....together!

10 ways to honor a child that has died

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/10/10-ways-honor-friends-child-died-october/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

Do you feel the holiday blues?

Fall is here!  Along with pumpkin spice lattes and sweaters come the holidays and family gatherings.  So as the song sings "Its the most wonderful time of the year" right?  RIGHT?  Well the real answer is 'not always'.  The holidays, for many people are a time where depression and anxiety are at an all time high.  Crowds of people at the stores, commitments to family gatherings, financial concerns, and many other factors often leave people feeling overwhelmed and depressed.  Often times the holidays kick grief into high gear as well.  What can you do?  One thing I encourage people to do is have an air-tight self-care routine.  Taking care of yourself during the holiday season is essential to holiday survival.  Counseling can be a great step in the direction of self-care and getting through the holiday blues.  You can find great therapists at www.psychologytoday.com or any other therapist listing.  Don't hesitate to call.  Don't let the holiday season feeling like you got run over by Santa's sleigh, call today!

International Wave of Light coming up Oct 15th at 7 pm

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Welcome to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  This month we recognize Anti-bullying Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness, Domestic Violence Awareness and Spina-Bifida Awareness, among others.  Nearest and dearest to my heart, because all of the awarenesses are dear to me, but nearest and dearest is Pregnancy and Infant Loss, known in the loss community as PAIL.  1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth.  Sometimes the reason for the loss is known, other times it is not.  The fact that remains the same, no matter how the loss happens or at what week in the pregnancy, is the emotional devastation that comes with the loss.  Many families feel blind sided by the loss.  With the loss comes the potential for depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, martial problems, relationship problems and other emotional issues.  Throughout this month I will update this blog with different aspects of dealing with the loss of a baby.  The most important part of dealing with loss is to have a good support network.  Reaching out for help can be exhausting and scary, but for many it makes all of the difference in their journey of grief.  Locally, here in Modesto we have H.A.N.D Helping After Neonatal Death.  You can visit their website at www.handonline.org.  Joining a support group, for many, is a necessary lifeline in dealing with grief.